Yesterday, I successfully conquered my first trip to Bed Bath and Beyond in NoVa. I made up my bed, complete with the evening's purchases and laid down. It hit me. I haven't slept in my own bed in eight months. Eight months ago, I was in the pit. I am now calling the last eight to twelve months, Elijah-tide based on Elijah's foray into the cave and the wilderness.
The weekend before July 4th, I packed up White Lightning (my 2001 Toyota Camry) and surrendered. I was a month shy of my 32nd birthday. I was in a pit. If there was a spark in me at all, it was flickering and dimming, many moments felt like it was growing dimmer. I was serving my first church as a part-time solo pastor and it was hard. Correction: it was VERY hard. I was lonely, I was isolated-socially and professionally. I felt like I had to fight for the respect of some of the folks in my congregation. I am not sure if it was my age or my gender, or what. I had my own personal pharisee. For those of you, who don't know in many scriptures in the Bible, the Pharisees exists just to F* with Jesus. Ministry is hard but, it seemed unnecessarily so. I didn't realize that I was fading until, I had time a way. Time to see other friends in ministry thriving, time to feel the weight of being on a grind. This blog is not about them though, it is about me. Them would be who I would have blamed Elijah-tide on before I began doing the work. Them= the haters, that personal pharisee, those that made being a pastor unduly hard. Work=almost weekly therapy, introspection, receiving the tough love of dear friends. I'll be doing the work forever but, now I see the benefit. The work is slow and deliberate. It is climbing out of depression inch by painstaking inch. The dirt of the cave never seeming to quite get out of your fingernails. It is hard work, work where you uncover or begin to uncover the inner voice that keeps telling you are not enough yet, are on a mission to find ways to turn it down, hoping one day you might exorcise it completely. Like, I said this is work is important work and work I will be doing for quite sometime.
BEGIN INTERLUDE---I left the town where I was pastoring in July and went to live at home for 8 months. I lived in my childhood bedroom with my Aladdin poster from 1993. I commuted upwards of 250 miles a week to continue to serve the congregation. I worked part-time at Starbucks. ---END INTERLUDE. (Listen to my swan song)
Currently White Lightning sits in front of my new life. She is parked in front of a new apartment in a new city, for a new job. White Lightning is about 15,000 miles older. She has been up and down I-40( being one of the most dependable and needed relationships of my life) .This time she is full not with the weight of worthlessness packed into her four doors. Now she is full of blessings. The blessings of growth, of friendship, and of self-discovery. During Elijah-tide, I felt that my life was running hauntingly parallel to the life of Elijah. Elijah is sustained through the muck of the cave and, the thick of the wilderness with just enough provision to get through. He receives just enough grace to make the days gray( and a little less black). Like birds feeding Elijah in the wilderness, I’ve been fed by the best friends in the world, who gave me what I needed when I didn’t know I needed it, who loved me through a time when I felt grossly unlovable. But, while I am grateful that this current Elijah-tide is ending, I am grateful that I was held when I was not my best self. As Elijah-tide ends, a new story has piqued my interest....
I am obsessed with Moana! Moana is the fiercely feminist heroine/protagonist of Disney's latest animated film, Moana. Moana is the child of a village priest. From a young age she is restless- restless for adventure. Moana is called to the ocean, always dreaming of some unknown world. Her father, while constantly trying to protect her from the unknown, keeps reminding her that her destiny is to inherit the legacy of being a chief. Here is the thing... Moana is really good at being a chief. That life would be fine for her, she would do well. She’d gain some affirmation from her village but the waters call on her never goes away. Her grandmother speaks into her a different part of her legacy, a story from long ago about how her people sailed across the ocean and were way-finders(voyagers). Her restlessness, her story, her village’s desperation sets her off on an adventure. Much like, any good Disney movie she has to overcome insurmountable odds and is ultimately victorious. I don't know if it is because Moana is a non-princess of color. I don't know if it is because, Lin Manuel-Miranda worked on the soundtrack, but Moana has got into my fibers. I've moved from Elijah-tide to being Moana.
Moana is strong, it takes a wilderness for her to realize just how strong she is. Moana won't settle. She could have stayed where she was and been fine but, she chose the road less traveled. Moana is surprised by her own courage, her own bravery, her own resilience. But she doesn't do it alone. In addition to a stupid rooster and a demagogue named Maui, there is this beautiful scene when she doesn't think she can make it and the spirit of her grandmother appears in the image of sting ray. Moana is reminded that she takes the stories of her past with her.
And so it is with me.. on Easter, I will preach my last sermon and say goodbye to the congregation who, I loved deeply but constantly worried if I loved enough, the congregation who made me a pastor. As a result of the work, I've been able to zoom out and see wonderful people who loved, and respected me, who I've already began to miss. I think I was on the cusp of being a medium to large fish in a small pond, as I was getting to know the community and the city. As a result of the work, I can most days say I did well if not, damn well with the resources I had.
I am also 7 days into a new life. New lands and waters to discover. I am less lonely and isolated. I have colleagues and clergy cohorts. The whole process of Elijah-tide to I am Moana with this particular church, has been so life-giving, as the vulnerabilities that I tried to hide and submerge, have been excavated and even affirmed. I am so excited about this next chapter, who I will become, who I will meet, how I will grow, and all the work still left to do.
Excited to see just How Far I'll Go....
I've been standing at the edge of the water
'Long as I can remember, never really knowing why
I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water, no matter how hard I try
Every turn I take, every trail I track
Every path I make, every road leads back
To the place I know, where I can not go
Though I long to be
See the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, if I go there's just no telling how far I'll go
Oh oh oh, oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh
I know, everybody on this island seems so happy on this island
Everything is by design
I know, everybody on this island has a role on this island
So maybe I can roll with mine
I can lead with pride, I can make us strong
I'll be satisfied if I play along
But the voice inside sings a different song
What is wrong with me?
See the light as it shines on the sea it's blinding
But no one knows, how deep it goes
And it seems like it's calling out to me, so come find me
And let me know, what's beyond that line, will I cross that line?
See the line where the sky meets the sea it calls me
And no one knows, how far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I'll know, how far I'll go
-Lyrics Lin Manuel-Miranda, song "How Far I'll Go"